My Story-Part 2 Baptism

So I took the plunge...again.

I was able to give my testimony to those on the beach yesterday--August 7th, 2011--but if you weren't there, I can tell you why I did it again.  If you have read my story, continue on.  If not, read it first here.  

After reading that post, you will know a bit more about me and what I believe.  I did get baptized when I was 10.  But what I didn't understand when I was 10 was why.  But far more important that that....I didn't understand what salvation meant!   You see, I believe that we can come to baptism not fully understanding it's meaning.  We cannot, however, come to faith in Christ without understanding that He did it all for us, and there is nothing that we can do to earn His love.  Nothing.  We are simply called to put our faith in the fact that we are sinners, separated from God, and we are in need of a Savior.  Jesus fulfilled the demands of justice on the cross as a final sacrifice.  Sin deserves death.  He gave us life.  That is grace--a gift we don't deserve!  I will not enter heaven on my own merits--what church I attended, how good I was,  the fact that I lived a better life than others, or even the fact that I was baptized. (twice:)    I only enter clothed in the righteousness of Christ.  I wear His blood--the only thing that makes me good!  But believing that salvation is something that can be earned or lost equates it with works-which was what I believed when I was 10.  It then sets you up for misery and failure and the grief of knowing that you can never be good enough for God.  Thank God that this teaching is untrue-- it is not about me!

So, that brings me to what I believe about baptism.  I used to believe that baptism was a necessary step of salvation, and that if we failed to be baptized we would not be saved.  I have come to believe now that this not the full truth.  Baptism is a commandment of Christ following belief.  Being unbaptized does not make you unsaved.  You will never find a verse in the Bible that talks about infant baptism, or sprinkling.  It is always carried out by immersion following conversion.  (that rhymes..:)  So, I believe that if you are truly saved, you will choose to obey and be baptized.

John 14:15 "If you love Me, keep My commandments." 

There is a lot of confusion out there about the idea of the lordship of Jesus.  I do not believe that you can pray a prayer and then spend the rest of your life in sin and assume that you are saved.  Salvation requires repentance-a word that means to turn and walk in the opposite direction.  The gift of the Holy Spirit in you moves you, transforms you, molds you, and makes you more like Christ.  No, not perfection--that is not required-- but sanctification or progressive change.  If you have the Holy Spirit and He is speaking in your life about an issue like baptism, He won't rest until you humble yourself and obey!  Trust me on that one--I have been there!

This is me giving my testimony with Pastor Phil looking on.

My Story

I became a Jesus-follower somewhere between 1992-1994.  If you attend a Baptist church like I do, you might have trouble with that statement because you think that there has to be a date and and hour when you "sealed the deal."  But I truly believe that for some it is more of a process than it is a prayer.  I love how John Piper explains the process as an electrical system.  People come into our lives and help to install the wiring tracts for the system, but one day God flips the switch and turns on the lights, which only God can do.  I can pinpoint the time in my life with much certainty that God "flipped the switch."

It is different for everyone, I am sure.  My story is not a condemnation of any one's belief systems, nor is it a commentary on the faith of those I grew up with, it is simply a story of someone who came away from a particular system empty and scared.  Not all people have the same response that I did-I can only speak for myself.

When I was little, my parents were faithful church attendees.  We went to a close-knit Church of Christ.  I think that back in the day, there was a fairly good sized congregation, but the perspective of a child I have found is sometime skewed when it comes to size and proportion.  But they were family. They still are.  The church no longer holds the name "Church of Christ."  I don't know why they changed the name, but I wondered if it had anything to do with that denominations beliefs on salvation and baptism.  I really don't know for sure.

I remember Sunday School and Junior Church and VBS.  We learned to memorize Bible verses, the books of the Bible, and so on.  I have some very fond memories that reach back to those events.  But as I grew into a teenager, I was a bit worried.  I had met people who I had believed had a real connection with God that I seemed to be lacking.  If you would have asked me back then what it meant to be a Christian I'm not really sure what I would have told you.  I found comfort in a lot of things that I don't see as edifying now.  My choice in music was one of them.  My choice in relationships was another.  I have never had any experience with drugs, but I did drink a few times well before I was of age.  I spent a lot of time telling my mother that I listened to heavy metal for the music, but I didn't care for the lyrics-which was a lie and I knew it.

I went through a lot of traumatic things as a child.  Not in my family-they were wonderful.  I had loving, faithful parents.  My trauma was more with friends and it started with a neighbor that decided one day to raise an army against me.  You know how girls fight?  They are never content just to be mad at you, they have to take all of their friends with them and form an army.  My adolescence started that way.  I have had some great friends, but my experience with just one friend left me wounded and raw.  I spent the rest of my teenage years looking for acceptance and love.  I was loved at home, but I needed more.  I needed love from  people who were not blood-related and obligated to love me!  In retrospect, I think I just wanted to be worthy of love.  That led me to seek out love in the wrong places. (remember that song?  Looking for love in all the wrong places?  I always get that song stuck in my head when I tell this story!)  What I did not know then was that I had a hole in my heart that would never and could never be filled by people.

So let me rewind for a minute.  When I was 10 years old, I wanted to be baptized.  I saw that everyone else around me was doing it, and I really wanted to take communion.  My parents called the pastor and he came out to our home to talk with us.  I don't remember a single word he said.  What I do remember was that after our meeting I was scared. I was scared that I would not make it to the church to my baptism.  What if I got hit by a train, truck, or swept up by a tornado?  Then I would be condemned to hell for sure! I don't know how long it was in between the meeting and the baptismal service-let's just say 2 weeks for the sake  of argument.  Two weeks is a long time to sit and worry about death!  I needed my sins washed away now!  But the two weeks passed, and I lived.  I made it to the church and I walked down the isle.  I stood in front of our small congregation and made a profession of faith: that I believed that Jesus was the Son of God, I believed He died and rose again, and I believed that I needed Him for a Savior.  And I really did believe that.  Now time to wash those sins away.  I remember one of my first thoughts when coming up out of the water: what now?  All those sins are gone, does that mean I can never sin again?  How can I be "good enough" for this God? How bad do I have to be to lose this salvation that I just earned by baptism?  These were all subconscious questions I had.  They weren't answered for a few years.

So fast-forward now to those teenage years.  Several years of attempting to "be good" had found me flat on my face.  I had failed so many times.  I didn't even desire righteousness.  I made my own form of it.  I supposed that there were people out there who were much worse than me, so I must be doing okay-even though my soul knew I wasn't okay.  I won't lie to you, I was tormented.  I used to cry at night knowing I wasn't good enough.  When I was in high school and struggling with the "friend thing" I had a thought that I would rather be dead.  I never tried to accomplish that-I just wanted it.  Yet through the day, I wore a confident face for my family and justified everything I did to myself and others.  I never would have described myself as "empty" like I know that it was now.   I just didn't know.

After learning the ways of the world through a miserable relationship with a man, I decided that it was time to change myself.  I resolved to be better.  God brought a wonderful man into my life.  He was everything that I wanted, but he was also something that I hated--Baptist.  My thoughts on denominational lines now are different, but that is another subject for another time.  I went to some of his church gatherings and he came to some of mine.  In less than a year of knowing him, I knew that I would marry him-but I would never go to a Baptist church!

God has a great sense of humor.  But I digress.

My husband and his family introduced me to the doctrine of grace.  This was something totally new for me.  I didn't remember hearing much about it growing up.  I struggled with it at first--because it is a totally un-natural, radical thing.  I asked a lot of questions but still couldn't grasp the idea that I could accept Christ as my savior and then live my life any way I wanted and I would still be His.  Asinine.  For the record-I still don't believe that, but I understand now the transforming power of grace and how God takes a heart of stone from us and transforms it into a living, warm heart of flesh.  Remember when I talked about laying the ground wire and letting God flip the switch?  It's coming soon. All of the things that I learned about God over the years, all of the things that were continuing to wire me was about to be activated by God.  In all of my questioning and confusion, He led me to this verse:

Ephesians 2:8-9 "For by grace you have been  saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is a gift of God and not by works, lest any man can boast."


I didn't read that and say:  "oooh!  I get it!" No, when I read that I realized that what I had believed all of these years could possibly be wrong.  So one night, somewhere between 1992 and 1994-I don't even remember if it was spring, summer, whatever- I was lying in bed crying.  I prayed to God and told Him that I didn't know what was true, but I just wanted Him.  And I wanted truth.  I needed Him to open my eyes and show me because my "self" wasn't figuring this out and I certainly had never had the peace I desired.  God is faithful.  And when we humble ourselves before Him, He gives us what we really need.  He knew that this was the cry of my heart and that it was genuine.  That night, I believe that He performed a work in me.  I believe that the next morning I woke up with a clean slate.  The work of baptism that I hoped to wash my sins away failed, but my desires were accomplished by a simple act of faith.  I didn't know it immediately, but I began to see God change me.  I lost the desire for some of the music I once loved.  My thoughts in other areas had changed.  Others noticed a difference and commented on it.  I wasn't super-Christian, flying around with my sword of righteousness--no it was a bit more subtle than that.  But it was a change.  And I knew something that I had never known before:  I was His forever.  Nothing I did was ever going to change that.  My dirty self was now clothed in the righteousness of Christ and one day I would show up at the gates wearing His righteousness-not my own.  And when I got there and He asked me "Why should I let you into my heaven?"  I would start to speak and Jesus would interrupt and say:

"Father, this one is Mine.  I did all of the work for her, she simply believed."

I now believe that salvation doesn't depend on what kind of church you go to.  We attend a Baptist church simply because we like it and find it to be Biblically sound.  But I have learned that my beliefs don't have to lie within Baptist boundaries-just Biblical ones. God has used the past 19ish years to transform me, mold me, and change my wrong-headed thinking on many things.  And I am still open to that.  I am learning all of the time.  (Hence the blog title)  Despite the things I don't know, I still know one thing for sure:  I am His forever and nothing will change that.  Nothing, self included, can remove me from His hand.  Amazing love. I have found rest from my works in the arms of a loving Savior.


Do you rest in Him too?

Words of Love

If you don't have anything nice to say-don't say anything at all.

How many times has your mother said that to you?  Just the other night I was having a discussion with my girls about etiquette.  I told them that a general rule of thumb (for which they giggled and giggled at the idea of a thumb ruling)  was that if a comment about someones appearance was edging it's way out, evaluate it to see if it is something positive or negative.  If it's negative, smash it down and smile and say something positive.

These days, with Facebook and other social media, our thoughts can be broadcast within seconds to over 300 people.  What one or two people might have normally heard becomes an announcement for the masses.    What we say, and how we say it are locked into cyberspace forever.  Over the last few years, I have learned much about what to say and what not to say.  Oh, I am not perfect (anyone that knows me knows that) but I have learned some important lessons. 

I want to share this with you all, and I want you to know that I am not condemning anyone, I am simply sharing what God has taught me.  (I dream of a world where we can do that and no one gets offended--maybe in the millennium...)

I believe that for Christians, our words should be dripping with love.  Why?  Because God has poured out His love on us.  We are really no more deserving than anyone else to receive His favor.  I remember telling my daughter that God loves Osama Bin Laden-even if Osama never returned His love.  God loved Jeffery Daumer (I didn't tell them about him!!) Even if Jeffery Daumer never returned that love.  The truth is, in order to love one another, we need to get over the idea that these people were or any worse than us in the eyes of God.  When we realize the depths of our own sin, and what Jesus did to redeem us from that~THAT is when we can begin loving others.  We don't deserve to be loved.  Period.  But we are.  Praise God!

This is not a dissertation on whether or not one sin is greater than another.  That's a deep subject and I am not going there.  The point is simply this:  before we trust Christ, we simply cannot please God (Hebrews 11:6)~every bit of righteousness is compared to a pile of filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6).  Then along comes this beautiful Savior and we learn, much to our relief,  that our pile of filthy rags don't matter because it's not about that.  It is about His sparkling white robe that He graciously clothes us with.  It's about grace.  It's about being loved when we are unlovable.  It, in return makes us want to love the unlovable~simply so that they can see the grace that Christ extends to us.

There are ideologies that are bad.  I believe that Osama had bad ideologies.  If fact, I believe that our own president has some bad ideologies.  Is it okay to discuss the difference in ideologies?  Okay~and essential for preserving what we have fought for in America.  But underneath those ideologies lie souls.  Eternal souls that have been wounded by sin.  Just like me.  And you. 

We are adept at using the grace card when we want to do something that we think God might not approve of.  "It's not about what I do!" we exclaim.  "It's all about grace-so don't judge me!"  But when we are quick to exclaim what others deserve we unwittingly make it about works instead of grace.  Bin Laden deserves to rot in hell.....hmmmm..

...so do I.....

But I won't.  How amazing.  How utterly amazing.

So, for what it might be worth to you, if I have ever been unloving to you I humbly seek your forgiveness.  And if you ever see me forget and start ranting about a person (not an ideology) then I expect you to let me know.  Remind me.  It's okay.  I am human and I forget.  But we are here to hold each other up.  To exhort one another to righteousness.  

I love you!

A God I Could Love.......

There are so many people around me struggling with hurts.

Some are reeling from abuse.

Some are recovering from the race of trying to just be good enough.

When our hearts have been wounded by the ones we love, we need refuge.  A safe place to hide from the condemnation. 

There is a safety in the arms of Jesus.

BUT

Jesus is not safe.

A life lived in relentless pursuit of Jesus will result in~

A relentless pursuit of our hearts and minds by the Holy Spirit.

Jesus Christ will not condemn us.  There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ.  That's God's promise to us.  

BUT 

He also promises to transform us into His image.  He promises the Holy Spirit who is there to perform heart surgery on us.  

And it is painful sometimes.

But it is for His Kingdom.  His glory.

I cannot make God who I want Him to be.  I can't take the parts of Him that don't make sense to me and discard them.

God is God~and I am not.

I can only rest in the glory of His love and let Him do His work in me~knowing that He loves me, and I am His for eternity.

Beauty and Love

We all struggle with something.

For me it is insecurity and fear of rejection.

There.  I said it.

I have struggled with these things all of my life.  They have affected my relationships on almost every level.

Fear of really reaching out and connecting with someone.

What if they don't want to be my friend?

What will that say about me?

The truth is, most of us probably struggle with this on some level.  We worry about how other people perceive us.    

We worry that we will wear out our welcome. 

We worry that we are not loved the way we long to be.  

There is a love that desired and pursues us even when we are unlovely.  There is a friend who will hold on to us and see us through the insecurity.  A friend who loves loves at all times. 

A friend who helps us to love others where they are.  

And when we know that we have been loved right where we are, it is easier to give that love in return.

There is such beauty in the love of Jesus.  

We only need to open our eyes and look.

Open your eyes and look upon the handiwork of God.   Open your soul and feel the breath of glory all around~everywhere there's evidence of love... 

Death to the Old Man...I'm Coming Alive!!!

This is me favorite song.  I am new...not who I once was.  Surrendered to Christ--a work of the Holy Spirit.  I am loved--not because I am good, but because He is good!

Are You Burdened?

Matthew 11:25-30   Then Jesus prayed this prayer; "O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, thank you for hiding the truth to those who think themselves so wise and clever, and revealing it to the childlike.  Yes Father! It pleased You to do it this way!  My Father has given Me authority over everything. No one really knows the Son except the Father, and no one really knows the Father except the Son and to those to whom the Son chooses to reveal Him.  


Then Jesus said,  "Come to Me, all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you.  Let Me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden I give you is light." NLT

Jesus identifies the Jewish leaders as the wise and clever, and followers of truth as childlike.

To quote John MacArthur:  "Note that this is an open invitation for all who hear-but is phrased in such a way that the only ones who will respond to the invitation are those who are burdened by their own spiritual bankruptcy and the weight of trying to save themselves by keeping the law."

The greatest moment in my life was when I realized that the burden of sin wasn't mine.  That weight was lifted by the true knowledge of the Messiah.  I have found rest for my soul in Jesus Christ.  I hope you find it too. 

My Eulogy

Have you ever thought about what you want people to say about you after you are gone?  I know it sounds a little morbid, but it is something to think about.  Our Sunday School teacher was reading a portion of "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan this past Sunday.  It was a story of a 14 year old girl who's life ended tragically early, but she left behind an incredible legacy of love and living out the Gospel.  At 14.  Amazing.  I started to think this week about what people might say about me when I am gone.  No, not a selfish thing, an introspective thing.  If people were really honest, what would they say about you?

I think it might be helpful to us to think about what we would like to "be," so I put some thought into it for myself.  I figure I have the rest of my life to live up to it.

My Eulogy~

Lori was first and foremost a lover of Jesus.  She craved truth.
Even at the expense of her own pride or prejudices.
She wanted to be everything that He wanted her to be.
She was never one to be ashamed of the Gospel,
Even in the face of intimidation and persecution.

Lori spent her life learning how to be a better wife and mother.
She loved her husband very much.
She also poured her life and energy out into the training of their children.
She was passionate about teaching them truth, discernment, knowledge,
But most of all....love. 

Because of her deep joy and contentment in the Lord,
Lori brought joy to everyone she touched.
She had a deep desire to see the same joy and peace in everyone she knew.

She wasn't afraid to "give until it hurt."
She understood that nothing in this life really belonged to her,
Rather all things belonged to the Creator.
She lived her life with the intent of storing up her treasures in heaven-
Rather than on earth.
She opened her home, talents, and wallet to anyone in need.

Lori's deepest desire is now fulfilled as she rests in the arms of the One who says:

"Well done, thy good and faithful servant."

Words are Powerful

A thought occurred to me today.  My daughter proudly announced that she was not going to go outside on this glorious day and play......because I didn't have to.   I asked her what she thought I was doing inside, and she said talking on the phone all day....reading.....doing nothing.....  I told her that her sense of injustice has greatly skewed her reality.  I then offered to let her fold laundry, do dishes, and mop my kitchen floor.  She quickly disappeared.

5 minutes later, I sat down at the computer to browse Facebook, and I saw a petition posted by a friend stating that wicked Republicans want to cut off aid and starve pregnant women and children.  I suppressed a comment and moved on to the bedroom to fold laundry, but then a thought occurred to me.  When we make statements about people that try to pervert their motives for the sake of our own ideas of injustice, then we are, in fact, acting childish.  Not only that, we are breaking the 9th commandment by bearing false witness against our neighbor.

When I first gave in to the world of Facebook, I was still in a learning process of how to "measure" my words.  Not that I have graduated that process, but I think I have gotten much better.  I usually do not argue politics anymore because I have learned that it gets ugly and heated and in the end, unproductive.  The only thing left at the end of the day is hard feelings.  But one thing I noticed lately is a lot of name calling.  Tea-partiers are fruitcakes.  Obama is a baby killer.  Republicans hate women and children.  I think we really need to ask ourselves if these statements are really productive.  Are you going to change a conservative's  political views by calling them a fruitcake?  Are you going to change Obama's view on abortion by calling him a murderer?  Are you going to incite healthy debate by telling someone opposed to abortion that they want to starve women and children?

Can I get a resounding NO?

Please?

All you are doing is provoking anger and hate.  

Politics.  The grow-up form of school-yard logic.  Will we ever be able to develop a healthy dialogue in America without attempting to pervert the motives of our perceived enemies?  I do hope so.  I love a healthy debate.  

Can I get an Amen?

Finding Contentment

In the past few years of my life, God has really impressed on me the area of contentment.  When I was first married, I wondered why we didn't have all of the things other people had.  Nice houses, nice cars, etc, etc.  Over time, I have come to really appreciate everything I have.  It was not instant.  No, it was a process.

What I have learned in the past few years is that contentment stretches far beyond belongings.  Sometimes we can long for dreams or aspirations.  It happened to me.  I want to tell you my story.

My husband and I married almost 15 years ago.  I was an LPN at the time with hopes to become an RN. I spent the first 3 years of my marriage working and going to school.  I graduated in 1999 with my RN and began working my "dream job" in the ICU.  Just before I finished school, we began wanting children.  We tried for a total of 6 years with no success.  In those 6 years, we had a 2 person income, took a lot of trips, and bought our first house.  Admittedly, I knew very little about saving and finances.  We had not saved much when I found out that we were pregnant with my first daughter.  I managed to work part time and still nurse her exclusively.  I worked when my husband was home, or my mom stayed with my daughter until my husband got home from work.  It was a pretty sweet deal, but it was tiring.  Two years later, my second daughter came along. 

Shortly after Hannah was born, my husband experienced the first "dry spell" in his job.  I had been working one to two days a week, but now I needed to find an actual part time position to make ends meet.  It was much harder now with 2 kids.  I really wanted to be home.  I hated that I had to work.  The fact that I really wanted to home school also loomed in to near future.  How was I going to work and do it all?  I really began to experience discontentment at this time.  I talked to my husband about staying home, but he really didn't agree. He couldn't see the point in throwing away a college degree and a good paying job.  NOW, he would never had forbidden me to do it- he's not like that, it was just his opinion.

When I became pregnant with my son, an  opportunity presented to us.  My mother-in-law wanted us to buy her other property located right next door to her.  The house was no bigger than the one we lived in, had rotten-egg sulfer water, and had a kitchen that was far inferior to where we lived.  BUT, in my thoughts, maybe we could sell our house, and put a large down-payment on this house, pay off our vehicles, and decrease our debt!  Maybe I could finally be home where I wanted to be!  so, on the advice of a family member, we moved out of our house, into my mother in law's home, and we placed our house on the market.  Weeks passed, then months--no takers.  We had only one offer that was very seriously below what we wanted for it. It would have done us no good.  We wouldn't have made any money on it--therefore, we would be in more debt than we started in. 

Then, another opportunity came knocking--someone called us out of the blue and wanted to rent our home.  So, we began the journey that didn't go so well.  We suffered through very hard times with bad renters, and lost tons of money on the house.  Remember, at this time we were paying 2 mortgages!  I was a bit upset that my plans to get home had blown up in my face!  And to top it off, my husband's work this past winter almost came to a complete stop.  I was working more than I had in years. 

Through all of this, I can still look back and see God's hand in all of it.  I was always able to work one day a week in times of plenty--and sometimes the census  at the hospital would be so low that they would call me off and I wouldn't work at all.  But in the dry spells--things always seemed to pick up.  I was able to work almost as many hours as I wanted while Will stayed home with the kids.  It was always temporary.  I am thankful for that.  We are currently in the middle of the worst dry spell Will's work has ever experienced.  But, in the midst of this, we have had enough, and God even provided us with Christian renters who are responsible and pay in advance.  If you read back over this post, you will see some of the other amazing things God has done for us.  I give Him all of the glory.  No, he didn't miraculously give us a way for me to quit work.  My hopes have not changed in this area either.  My ideal would be to work 2 days per month! BUT, I have gained much contentment in what He has given me.  We don't have a fancy house, a fancy car, or expensive....anything!  But we don't need it.  All of our needs are provided for.  We have food, clothing, and a roof over our heads. 

I have still managed to home school throughout all of this too.  It really helps to have an amazing man that is willing to do what ever needs to be done when I am gone.  I love my husband and appreciate him so much.  Again, my goal is still to get out of as much debt as I can and eventually stay home.  I have learned much more about finances, and I know with hard work--we can get there.  But while we are on that journey, I can still enjoy contentment and peace.  Thankfulness for the ways God provides.  Thankful that my worth as a woman and a mother only lies in HIM--not my circumstances.  For I am a child of God.  Forever grateful.  Forever His.  My treasure is in Him.

Leaning on the Everlasting Arms

I have been cranky with my kids today.  It has been a tough week, and I am tired.  It promises to get tougher in the next three days.

Life can be tough.  Things don't always go as expected.  In a perfect world, we would never struggle with finances.  In a perfect world, I would be able to stay home from work 100% of the time.

What have I to dread? What have I to fear?

But God is good.  All of the time.  He sustains me.  His grace is perfect, sufficient.

Leaning on the everlasting arms.

In the midst of struggle, He gives me a peace in knowing that this is not my home.  He is preparing a far better place for me.  In the meantime, He continues to provide day by day.  Maybe there is no excess, but by definition....excess is not needed!

I have blessed peace with my Lord so dear.

I have everything I need.  Thank you Lord for trusting me to be a mom.  Thank you for allowing me to be a wife.  Thank you for not giving me my every whim, but rather giving me what I need .

Leaning on the everlasting arms. 

Sing it with me!

So Much to Give Thanks For...

I am so in awe of all that God has done for us this year.  We have so much to be thankful for!  I wanted to just share a few things with you that have happened over the past 2 months.

Many of you know that Will's work has slowed down, both due to the economy and the season of the year.  I have to say that I was a bit concerned when he went 2 weeks straight without working.  Paying for 2 homes over the past 3 years has put us in a place where we have no reserves!  My first response was to panic.  My second response was wiser....simply to trust.  This is not the first time we have been in this situation, and the Lord has always brought us through.

A couple of months ago, our van broke down.  Will spent the whole day working on it and finally got it going...only to come inside and find that the washing machine was broken, and so was the vacuum cleaner!  My wonderful man went to work and fixed the vacuum, but the washer was a lost cause.  The parts needed were expensive!  All of this with the knowledge that we had car insurance, homeowners insurance, and property taxes looming at the end of November, beginning of December.  So I put a post up on Facebook asking if anyone had a washer they wanted to sell.  I got a response form my friend Jane at work.  My husband went to pick up the washer and Jane refused to take the money.  She said it had been a while since she used it, so take it home and try it out first.  It worked great.  I had forgotten the few times I saw her to give her a check, but it was in the back of my head.  Meanwhile, the vacuum cleaner broke for good, and Will's paychecks ground to a halt!

One day there was a knock at the door, and one of our neighbors wanted Will to do a side job for him.  Then my father wanted something done.  Then someone at church called about him doing a job for them.  It was amazing how God was providing these people (who didn't usually knock on our door...) so that He could provide work for Will.  What's more, he came home from work one day with a vacuum cleaner that one of his customers gave him.....he was going to throw it away!! I had been vacuuming the house with a shop vac hose.  Pretty funny to watch!  Around the same day, I was at work and I reminded Jane that I owed her money and requested that she not leave without a check for the washing machine.  She refused the money and stated that the washer was a gift!  Jane, if you read this, please know that God has used you greatly!  :)

God has used so many wonderful people to help provide for us.  Just to ice the cake a bit, Will had been wanting to get a food processor.  We just pretty much dismissed that one for now.  Not a need, just a want.  However, my sister had one in storage (I am not even sure she knew that we wanted one?)  and asked if we wanted it.  (free, of course!)  We have received (as well as given away) bags and bags of clothes for our kids from friends simply wanting to clear out closets.  I have been able to pick up weekend shifts at the hospital to bring in a few bucks. 

God has taught me so much about contentment in the past 14 years.  I used to wonder why we didn't have a fancy home, a nicer car, more electronics, etc..etc.. 
But He has shown me that I have everything that I need because I have HIM.  I do not need earthly possessions.  My eternity will last much longer.  With a view of eternity in my heart and mind, I intend to store up my treasures there rather than here.  I trust God that He will provide all of our earthly needs here.  He has never failed me before!!!

Why I Love AWANA

Over the past 11 years I have been involved with the AWANA program at our church.  For those of you who know nothing about AWANA, it's name comes from the verse 2 Timothy 2:15 "Study to show thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not be ashamed, rightly dividing the Word of Truth."

A-Approved
W-Workman
A-Are
N-Not
A-Ashamed

Now you are officially in the loop :)

Anyway, AWANA is much more than just another youth group.  AWANA is a Bible club that focuses on the memorization of key Scriptures and principles. The average age group for a club is K-6th grade.  Some clubs go down to toddlers, and some as high as high school.  If your child attends faithfully K-6th grade, they will emerge with over 200 Bible verses committed to their memory. 

AWANA is based on real life principles:  you get out of it what you put into it.  Children work to memorize "sections" which contain memory verses, Bible searches, and some just for fun activities.  They are awarded according to the number of sections they do with AWANA bucks that they can choose to spend at the AWANA store as they wish.  There is also a devotion time when leaders speak truth into the lives of the kids through God's Word.  Last, but not least, there is a game time where kids are allowed to unwind and learn the principles of working together and sportsmanship.

For those of you who shy away from youth group settings:  take heart.  You can volunteer to serve as a leader and be there right along side of your kids to observe and guide them when needed.  I have watched my girls and been there along side of them throughout their AWANA  experience.  It has been a wonderful thing for them because they are forced to work together with others and accept their strengths and failures with the guidance of a loving parent.  Also, helping my girls memorize the verses at home has been valuable to my own spiritual growth!

Over the past two years, I have had the wonderful opportunity to share my heart with the 3-6th grade girls during devotion time.  This is such a blessing for me because of the struggles that I faced at their age.  My heart is for them to really love Jesus at a young age.  There have also been opportunities to encourage good social graces.  For instance, I have been able to encourage some of the more confident kids to reach out to the newer girls or ones that have fewer social graces.  I believe that it helps them to see beyond themselves into what is more important: good relationships with others.  It also helps them to look beyond outer appearances and see the beauty that is inside. I have been amazed at their willingness to give of their time and efforts to make others feel welcome.

Beginning at 3rd grade, AWANA boys and girls are separated so that the leaders can deal with gender-related issues.  Women teach girls, Men teach the boys.  I think that is another important point to be aware of because I am a firm believer in feminine girls and masculine boys.

If you are interested in getting your kids into this great program feel free to contact me.  If you are not in Northwest Indiana, it is simple to do a web search and find an AWANA club.  I will admit: a club is only as good as it's leaders, so get to know the ones who run it!

Dealing With Conviction

Let's face it: we have all had times when we got angry at someone for being judgmental.  I mean, we are only human, right?  Seriously, I can't believe she would let her kids wear that, or I can't believe he would watch that TV show.  It seems, though, that we sometimes have difficulty finding a healthy line between facing our own convictions, and walking away from inappropriate  judgments. At least I can tell you that I have this problem .  Maybe you don't *cough--denial*......

So how should we respond when we feel conviction in our lives?  Should we run from it?  Justify it?  Should we sever all ties with the ones who bring the conviction to us?  Should we find people who share our values to commiserate with? Should we find a new church with a pastor that preaches what makes us feel good?

Well, when you put it that way........


Let me just suggest to you that conviction is something that should be embraced. 
After all, why do you do what you do? What keeps you from doing what you are not supposed to do?  Is it your friends? Your church?  Your image?  In reality, it should be none of these.  Our desire and drive to live a life of holiness should come purely out of our love for Christ!  Stop and think about this for a second.  You are a sinner.  You deserve a death worse than Christ's sufferings on the cross.  Yet, out of love for you and me, Jesus took that punishment on Himself.  You don't have to suffer that way.  All that is required is that you believe.  Conviction is evidence of relationship.  It is proof that God is working in our lives to transform us to the image of Christ.  I say praise God for it.  When you are sitting under good preaching and you feel like the pastor has been spying on your life, and you want to crawl under the pew and hide.....GOOD!

I am not a proponent of works-based faith.  The Bible says that it is by the grace of God alone that we are saved.  BUT, I will say that I believe that when we are truly head-over-heels in love with and devoted to the one who saved us, our lives will look different from the world.   The indwelling of the Holy Spirit accomplishes some very supernatural traits in us.  At least, that is how it should be.  We know that the Holy Spirit is present with us with every breath that we breathe.  Maybe it would be beneficial to ask ourselves: If I could see the Holy Spirit sitting next to me, would I type that status update of Facebook? Would I be watching this show on TV?  Would I use the word I just used?

When someone challenges us, our tendency is to get angry and call them judgmental.  Our response instead, should be to ask ourselves: is my position Biblical?  It is a time to really dig into the Word of God and find truth.  Not digging in with the intent to justify ourselves, mind you.  Digging in with an open mind and a prayerful heart.  God, if this is what you want/ don't want from me show me.  I want to glorify you with my life.  I want integrity.  I want to be the same person in the privacy of my living room as I am at church on Sunday.  Show me what YOU have to say about this!  It may also be beneficial to seek out the person who has called you into judgment and work things out.  After all, we are called to love the brotherhood of believers.  If we are to look different from the world, then we must not be quarreling among ourselves.

The heart that is so full of gratitude is likely to share with others what God is doing in their lives.  The Bible says that "...Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks."  Luke 6:45   When our hearts are so abundantly filled with Jesus, our mouths will frequently speak His name.  We will tell others what He has done and how our lives have changed as a result. Some will become angry with us. Some will praise God with us.  Some will call us judgmental and avoid us.  If we love the truth, though, a few detractors will not silence us.

The health of our walk with Christ can be gauged on how we handle conviction.  Will we choose to quench the Holy Spirit, or follow His leading?   Pride is hard for some of us (like me) to overcome.  But the truth is, if I really think about it, I should be falling on my face everyday before God.  I need to approach Him in humility and ask for wisdom.  Sometimes I am wrong.  Sometimes I am right.  It takes strength just to walk away from judgment without an argument.  But, the meek will inherit the earth.  Cool.

Personal Holiness

In previous posts I have shared with you details of my past and my personal testimony of coming to faith in Jesus Christ.  It has been quite a journey, and while I have always struggled with regrets I am thankful for where I am today.  My post "Embracing Brokenness" was inspired by a Beth Moore Bible study that I attended.  She taught that you simply cannot divorce your past from your destiny.  I believe this to be true.  People who knew me in high school will find a much different person today, but all of my experiences culminated into who I am today.  To try to sweep my past under a rug would be unfruitful.  Perhaps dishonest?  I have a heart for people who are struggling with feelings of unworthiness.  I have been there.  Sometimes I am still there.  But one difference today is that I know that my worthiness lies in Christ alone.  In  my faith in His finished work on the cross.  I do not have to struggle anymore.  I was unworthy.  He made me worthy.  What joy!

One thing that I want to clarify is my stance on personal holiness. I expresses my belief before that we cannot change ourselves.  We can't "clean up" our sins on our own.  We rely solely on Christ to cleanse us and make us worthy.  When we receive the Holy Spirit, however, we receive the power to see sin for what it is and turn from it.  I am constantly amazed at what the Holy Spirit is convicting me and  changing in my life!  Things that I might have never before seen as sin, He gently points out to me in His merciful way and timing.  God's love is a purifying, refining love.

Romans 6:20-23  "For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness.  What fruit did you have then in the things of which you are now ashamed?  For the end of those things is death.  But now having become slaves of God, you have your fruit to holiness, and the end, everlasting life.  For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."

We can't clean our lives up outside of Christ.  The Bible refers to our old selves as "slaves to sin."  When we come to faith in Christ He gives us the power to change.  A relationship with Christ creates in us a hatred of our own sin.  After salvation we are called "slaves to God."  You cannot serve two masters.

We are called to personal holiness.  1 Peter 1:15 "..but He who called you is holy, you will also be holy in all your conduct because it is written, be holy for I am holy."

The Bible is to be the authority in our lives.  I believe that means that we cannot ignore the parts we don't like and adhere to the parts we can live comfortably with.  There are things in the Bible which are clearly spelled out for us.  There are other things that take a bit more searching, praying and studying.  We are all at different places on our journeys.  I have experienced friends who have convictions about certain things that I do not feel convicted about.  It is not important that we agree on everything.  Paul addressed this fleshly struggle in his letter to the Roman Church.  He instructs us not to quarrel over doubtful things.    Romans 14:4 "Who are you to judge another's servant?  To his own master he stands or falls.  Indeed, he will be made to stand, for God is able to make him stand."

We are to encourage one another on to good works, and to grow personally in holiness.  The only heart that I can be responsible for is my own.  Failure for us to grow can be due to spiritual pride, which is sinful.  However, I believe that we  need to be careful to keep our admonition Biblical, and not allow it to be tainted by opinion.  Being able to back up correction, rebuke, and reproof with scripture takes the burden off of us and points others back to the Lord.

I am happy to share with you the things that God is doing in my life.  To me it is a sign of a real relationship with God.  Real relationship brings about real change.   1 John 5:4 "For whatever is born of God overcomes the world.  And this is the victory that has overcome the world-our faith."  Are you overcoming the world? 



 

Embracing Brokenness

Take a moment, please, and picture this scenario with me if you will: There once was a young girl who grew up in a Christian church. She was always perfectly groomed, and looked beautiful in her flowing white linen dresses. She spent her days thinking about how much God loved her, and how she wanted to live her life to please Him. She kept herself "pure" in the sight of God, and never let a man touch her until her wedding day. She raised 3 perfect children who were always perfectly groomed and behaved. In fact, her family looked just like they had walked off the pages of a Dickens novel. Everyone loved and adored her, and sought out her advice on every aspect of life. She was a shining picture of God's glory!

Now take a moment please, and consider reality! How I would LOVE to say that this is my story. The truth is, though, my story is so far from this fairy tale, that when I read it I laugh out loud! I want you to understand, that in the following paragraphs, I am going to be brutally honest with you. I am going to tell you things about myself that I really don't want you to know. Then, when I am finished, I will tell you why I choose to share such painful memories with you.

Here is the truth: Once upon a time, there was a young girl who grew up in a Christian church. She struggled with other kids. She fought with her best friends. She copped an attitude when she felt shamed or rejected. When she was 10 years old, she made what she thought was a commitment to God, but sadly, she struggled her whole teenage existence with feelings of inadequacy. There was something missing in her life....and she knew it. Not knowing how to fill the void, she tried many things that the world had to offer. She tried to find intimacy in sinful sexual relationships that brought her temporary comfort. She found a refuge in the music that consumed her thoughts and molded much of her view of the world. And, while she never gave in to the temptation of drugs, she tried drinking and found that being drunk was more uncomfortable than it was fun. She spent many nights laying in bed crying because she knew there was a God, and she KNEW that she wasn't good enough for Him!

When she was a young adult, someone gently challenged her thoughts on who God is. You see, I had spent my entire life thinking of God as a big authoritarian in the sky. There was a list of do's and don'ts. Most of my activities were on the don't list! The bigger problem I had was that I loved my lifestyle even thought I knew in my heart that it was wrong! Why would I want to change something that I loved so dearly? It was the only comfort I knew.

Let me just clarify something here. This is not an indictment of my family. I am so thankful for the family that God blessed me with! My parents loved me. They taught me right from wrong. They were strict, and that kept me out of some trouble anyway. We went to church every Sunday. I never felt unloved by my parents! I want to mention this because it doesn't matter what kind of family you came from. You can receive all of the love in the world, and still feel empty.

So, back to my point. Someone came along in my life who loved me enough to ask me questions about my faith. She never (that I can remember) challenged the notion that I was the Christian that I said I was. It was a simple seed that was planted. It was a simple as her asking what church I attended and then asking if I believed that I could lose my salvation. To be totally honest, I had no idea what she was talking about, but it was the turning point that made me want to ask questions, dig in scripture, and really understand her way of thinking. She didn't spend hours following up, and making sure I understood. Fortunately, the Holy Spirit did that for her.

Honestly, I do not know how long it took me to understand. I can't give you a date when I "prayed a prayer" and was saved. It was more of a process. What I began to realize, though, was that as hard as I tried, I could not change myself. I could not make myself into what God wanted me to be. Oh believe me...I spent years trying! What a miserable existence! I do remember laying in bed one night and crying. Then crying out to God. I told Him how unworthy I was of Him. I told Him that I wanted to know how to love Him. I told Him that I needed Him. What was the difference between now and when I was 10? It was HUGE!

My favorite Bible verse to this day was what made the difference. Ephesians 2:8-9 "For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast." This beautiful verse explains that we are not saved by what we do. We are not saved by our actions, the way we dress, or by looking like the "perfect Dickins family." We are saved by the grace of God alone. Through faith in God alone. We cannot boast in our goodness, because we are not good!! Romans 3:23 say "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." I am a sinner. Well, I knew that! :) What I didn't know was that working to make myself a better person in the eyes of God was impossible. Unfruitful. Painful.

So here it is in a nutshell. God loves you. Whether you believe that you are lovable or not. God doesn't want you to strive to emulate other people, or to spend your life listening to self-improvement gurus. What He wants is for you to trust Him. Trust that you are unclean, but through Jesus death on the cross that HE can make you clean. Listen, only HE can make you clean! YOU CANNOT DO IT YOURSELF! Whew...what a relief. When we put our faith in Jesus Christ, God reconciles us to Him. That means that at one point, we were not a friend of God. To be reconciled means there was an enemy relationship at one point. Romans 5:10-11 "For if when we were enemies of God through the death of His Son, much more having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life. And not only that, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received the reconciliation." I know for a fact that I was not a friend of God. Since then, I have come into a relationship with the creator of the universe. Wow, I get goosebumps when I say that!

So why would I share all of the skeletons in my closet with you? I have come to realize that my past has a great impact on who I have become today. I cannot change my past. I have a lot of regrets that I would love to wipe out. I have learned that I cannot clean up my past. I can't "clean up" anything. Neither can you. I was broken, but I was unable to embrace my brokenness and place it in the hands of God. Truly that is what we need to do. Admit we are broken, and admit that we are unable to fix it. Then let God do the rest. If my story can help just one person see who God is and help them "embrace their brokenness" then it is worth the pain of admitting my past mistakes.

My story is not of the pure girl in paragraph one. My white dress was so stained with sin, that I never could have cleaned it. However, when we trust Jesus and come into a personal friendship with Him, He gives us clean robes. A robe that can never stain. A pure white robe of righteousness. I can't be stained, because it doesn't matter what we do. What matters is what He did for us. We cannot tarnish His love for us. I can't explain to you the joy that results from the knowledge that God has sealed you as His forever. Joy that replaces pain and brokenness.

Fear

Wow, So often I just marvel at how great God is! Even more amazing is looking back at life experiences and seeing the path that He has brought us down, and the resources He brings into our lives at specific times to grow us spiritually. His timing is always perfect!

When I was in 5th grade I attended a slumber party at a friend's house. They were watching a horror movie--which placed my in the next room with my fingers over my eyes catching bits and pieces of the horrific scenes. I was already a scardey cat. The last thing I needed was fuel for my fear. What followed was years of nightmares, intense fear of irrational things, and many tears and pleas to my parents at bedtime to not make me go it alone. I am sure it was frustrating for my parents as they did not know how to allay my fears. It took me into adulthood to get rid of some of those fears...like the fear of death, bodily harm, etc.

When my first daughter was born I struggled with the intense fear that God would take her from me. It took us six years of marriage to even conceive her, I couldn't imagine God taking her away after all that we went through! It took months of prayer to shake the fear, and the results were less than immediate. I knew that she did not belong to me, but rather to God. I knew that He had a plan for her life regardless of my plans. I just couldn't shake the fear. My prayers sounded like this: "God, I know she is yours, I know you have only entrusted her to me for a time, but I would not want to live without her, so PLEASE watch over her and don't let anything bad happen to her!!" I would love to say that I prayed and "poof" the fear was gone, but it sure didn't happen that way. It was a process. I thought that I had overcome fear, but as it turns out, it only manifested itself in a different form. The enemy is tricky. We need to stay in the Word if we are to outsmart him!

Right now, I am involved in a Beth Moore Bible study that is probing my heart on so many different levels that it is painful, joyful, and refreshing at the same time. I am amazed at what God is showing me through His Word! Our study last night had me broken before God, in tears, and once again, thankful at the same time. Esther is a book of the Bible that I have read before, I know the story, but I had never studied it like this. We are at the pivotal point in the story right now where she has to face her fears and choose between life and death. Right and wrong. Do I trust God? Even if it means horrible consequences? Even if it means death? We would all hope to make the right decisions in such a situation.

One of the things that has been plaguing me recently came to light last night. One of my daughters has "inherited" the fear that I have always struggled under. I couldn't understand her fears. They are not exactly the same type as mine. I am one of those parents that takes every weakness and fault of my children to heart. I often ask myself what I did wrong to cause these bad traits in them. The truth is, I do not cause them, we are all fallen creatures, but it is partly my job to help them overcome them. And if I cannot overcome my own fears, how can I expect my daughter to overcome hers? What a blessed opportunity I had to talk with her on the way home from Bible study last night about the sovereignty of God and human fear! I want to share with you my future strategy for tackling every fear (thanks to Beth Moore)

It is as simple as this:

If____________________then_________________________

The study writer urged us not to fill in the blanks right away. Take any situation in your life that you can imagine and place it in the if blank. If we place God in the then blank, we know that everything will be fine in the end. Even if it means losing someone you love. EVEN if it means someone you love not choosing to follow Christ, the greatest heartbreak I can imagine.

If_____________________then_____GOD__________.

It is so easy to say the words "God is in control." It isn't as easy to reconcile a painful loss in our minds when it happens. Do we trust? We know that God wants us to trust Him explicitly. Esther had to make a choice between right and wrong that could have ultimately cost her life. If the king had not accepted her plea and she had died then it would all be part of her story in history. There would have been a purpose for it. God had something different in mind for her, and her life was spared. BUT the story does not always end that way. Sometimes pain, death, or any other horrible thing you might fear is what God has for us. Did you ever think about that? Sometimes that is what it takes for God to fulfill the plan He has for us and others. Are we willing to accept that? I am asking myself: am I willing to suffer for the cause of Christ? Am I willing to trust that God is truly in control NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL THE CIRCUMSTANCES?

"Lord, give me the strength and courage to always stand in the face of fear trusting you fully and completely. Give me the wisdom to help others, through your Word, to trust you. Thank you for your Word. Thank you that the most repeated command from your heavenly armies is FEAR NOT. You know my heart. You know my needs. You always fulfill." AMEN